Have been thinking about things a lot the last 2-3 days. (since the me turning ugly episode)
How to get it all out into words?, that’s gonna be the hard bit it, it’s probably just gonna be a mixed up jumble of thoughts.
– I’ve never really felt loved by my mother, she always liked my sisters more than me.
– Remember my mother going completely ballistic at my dad? about something and her throwing a large bottle of orange juice/squash & the juice just going everywhere.
– I recall my big sister went to live with my dad for a number of years, but can’t remember when this was or why.
– Then when I was in my early teens my mother decided to move us all to Scotland, thus me & my sisters didn’t have a dad in our lives for about 10 years. Though I think my big sister went to live with my dad again once she had finished & left school. My younger sister still doesn’t, she doesn’t really have any interest to reconnect with our dad.
– I struggled a lot school, (moved school about 3-4 times when I was younger). Tried a year at collage, but it didn’t really work out for me. While my sisters did well, high exam marks, got jobs etc
– My mother would always tell me I was unemployable, I was anti-social, I didn’t try hard enough etc. She always seemed to be screaming & yelling at me all the time.
– I remember I’ve had to run away from my mother & home more than once, due to her going ballistic about something.
A bit of a pause here, …… I’m constantly questioning & doubting myself. “Am I just being daft?”, “Am I at fault?”, “Am I just making a fuss over nothing?”.
Anyway life with my mother is still bloody hard. She still goes ballistic over just about everything
Still tells me I’m anti-social and not good enough. Moaning about how I look, what I wear, what I eat, just makes your head spin.
Constantly slags my dad off “Oh your father was abusive & horrible”, “Your father never wrote, phoned or visited his children” (This was when we lived on Arran in Scotland, about 20-25 years ago)
When ever I have gone anywhere with my mother its “Oh god, is she gonna grab at me for no reason or go ballistic about something and make out I’m the one being stroppy & moody”
Its just never ending venom, poison & abuse from my mother. …… There’s probably a heap more stuff I could add to this.